i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
4 words: hood of his car
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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