you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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