I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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