You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
