bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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