remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
