Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
