the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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