I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
