if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
