You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
