was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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