I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
