I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
