We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
