My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
