I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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