genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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