Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
