i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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