i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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