i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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