Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
