Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
