U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
