just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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