Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
