Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
