my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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