you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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