My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i've created a new STD.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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