Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
