She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
