All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
