I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
