You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
