Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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