The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
