we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
