my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
