I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
