Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
