Apparently you make a good broom.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
