Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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