I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
