i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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