I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
