so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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