Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize