youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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