It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
